• Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Have you ever feel "Out of Place"?

    Have you ever experience the feeling when you are in a certain community and you feel that you don’t belong in there? But you forced to be there, forced to not be yourself just because you want to be cool.
    I am a geek. I stayed at home a lot since childhood. 1st because my mom don’t want me to waste money. 2nd, because she often worries me even until now. Since I’m an only child, I use my free time to play games (console and online). I have trouble in socializing, I can’t do a good presentation in front of the class, I did not have confidence on anything. I experienced getting bullied until I asked my mom to go abroad. LOL. It wasn’t a fun experience. I experienced love and rejection too.
    Until I move school in high school, I gained my confidence, I can socialize more and I experienced relationship. I had a relationship with someone who was very insecure. It is still normal if he doesn’t allow me to go with boy friends, but he doesn’t allow me to go with my girl friends also. So I choose love over friends. That was a bad decision. School days should be fun without any burden of restriction of having friends. I hope he’s a changed person now 🙂
    On my second year, me, him and a few of my friends used to play Initial D and Maximum Tune. After I broke up with my ex, I began knowing more friends on this game (mostly guys because it’s a racing game). I forgot how we know each other but I was asked to join their group. Turns out one of them likes me and we had a relationship. I broke up with him though eventually but I still stayed on their group and we stayed as friends too. When it’s time for me to decide for college, I decide to stay in my country because I was afraid I cannot have any friends abroad. Now this was my mistake. I thought I belong here. I thought I couldn’t have cool friends like they are. My group became mature; mature in form as most of us already have our own car. We turn game to a real car club. This was when it began more complicated. I thought car clubs are cool, because I love racing game, racing in reality is…pumping your adrenaline!! During that time I had the guts to speed up, I had fun when my friends are speeding (when I wasn’t driving). Now I just think it was stupid. Our life is much moar important. Now I drive like an old person with a less sight *JK*, I drive normally. I don’t speed anymore. Fact is I am scared of the road now. Too many people aren’t respecting the traffic rules. Another fact, here, too many people aren’t following most rules. LOL.
    Anyway continuing to my story. I finally became more uncomfortable being with them. I had nothing to talk about. What most of them did was just going into clubs and playing poker. Another thing that gets me disappointed was there’s this one person who collects money from us every month so that we could like make an event with that money. The money is gone. WTD, you think it’s easy making money? I was at rage then, and if I think about it now I am at rage now. LOL. I mean, c’mon some people struggle to get money and you just took it. Did you not learn manners at all? After a while they started playing poker, I quit. I quit hanging out with them. Pointless. Just pointless. I am not saying all of them are bad, I’m also saying that I see some of them seemed to change. I remembered some of them are bad mouthing me, trust me I KNOW. Without you telling me, I KNOW. I have a great intuition in all things. Now when I think about it, why the duck I was friends with them. Meheheh. Some of them are good people though. I mean real good.
    The point is. I spent my life trying to fit in with a group I did not fit. I also spent my life thinking about what others might think about me. Now I just don’t ducking care.

    What I did.

    First was of course asking God for help, getting close to Him makes my mind grow to be more positive. This is especially for people who have trait of a loner like me or doesn’t have a lot of friends.
    Second I would search for positive books (or quotes or articles on internet), that’s why I have quite many psychological related books. But you know when you read that kind of books you need to stay realistic 😉
    Third, I tried not to care what others think. It was hard at first because I am a type of person that hates to get bad mouthed.
    Fourth, try to see where I fit in. 
    It takes years to change mindset, but after I am through with it my life is lighter, I am now always too positive towards things. I always thinks everything will turn out good no matter what, if not, then it’s a lesson to learn!
    To be honest, it is easy for me to introduce myself to people now days. I am quite confident on engaging a conversation. BUT! There’s always this gap between me and them. I have a few best friends whom I trust, the others just friends where you say hello when you meet.

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Tiny bits of ME VS Chester Bennington

    I am currently at Semarang right now. I had finally did a consultation with my grandma and my aunt for my problems. I feel that I can talk to them more than my parents ;_; or I guess the most closest people are the most far for some people. My grandma and aunt told me something that I really wanted to hear. One of it is going to school again. I mean, university. I had always loved psychology and I wanted to study psychology since I graduated from my first bachelor degree.
    I’m going to discuss a bit about parenting here. First of all, I don’t have the backgrounds and true knowledge of the things I said but it has to do with common people thinking.
    So I always felt that I don’t really have good parents. They do love me I know. It’s just their way of doing it is wrong. My mom and biological dad has been divorced since I was in middle school. I used to be closer to my biological dad but after 6 months they had been divorced I feel like I have been dumped by him. I am not sure whether my mom pays him not to see him anymore or is it really him and his new wife that has problem with having me. I didn’t really care back then.
    Living just with my mom is really hard. I often got stressed and I feel so unloved. She cannot love me the way I want to be loved. She thinks I feel loved just by her providing for me, giving me things that I did not ask…but when I really want something she doesn’t give.
    I had my first nervous breakdown when I was in university. I was 19. I had a stupid fight with my mom. Wanting her to understand me but she never thinks about other people, the important thing is she is always right. When she came in my room I suddenly shouted real hard. Without saying any words. Just shout. I asked for help to my cousin and my other aunt but they not seemed to care so I stopped depending with my family. I just want to feel loved until and I feel that when I got attention from other people. I got in bad past relationships because I can’t really choose a good partner. My mom only cares for me to have a boyfriend and get married soon. I…was never ready to get married, but I really want to get out of this house. So I finally tried to follow what she wants. I never get a long lasting relationship because I cannot think clearly what is best for me. I never think about the future until now. I have no vision. I was a lost child. Ok let’s stop here first. I will post about my life more in the future.
    I am actually grateful that all these this happens to me because at the end it inspires me. It gives me inspirations to write. It gives me the will to help people that are having problems like me or even worse.
    I have an example. Chester Bennington. He is the lead singer in Linkin Park. It was my favorite band during my school year. Chester had a bad past. Here’s a link to his story Click Here. His problems was in the past but he still struggles with his life after he already became famous. I don’t really know about the details but he ended his life by doing suicide. In Christian it’s really an awful thing to do. You will go to hell for that. What I want to discuss though, I really admire his works, his songs really inspires me, but why? Why he ended his life? Maybe he is not that close to God. Maybe he did not pray enough. I think one of his songs called Heavy really reflect that he is having problems.

    I’m holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?
    Holding on
    So much more than I can carry
    I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
    If I just let go, I’d be set free
    Holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?
    I am a Christian but I still often thinks about suicide. I think you cannot avoid suicide thinking if you have been through problems like me or Chester. I cannot compare my problems to him though because my pasts wasn’t as traumatic as him. I’m actually really sad that he decides to end his life because I always loved his songs. If I can talk or convince him before he suicide, I really want to do that.

    If they say
    Who cares if one more light goes out?
    In the sky of a million stars
    It flickers, flickers
    Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
    If a moment is all we are
    Or quicker, quicker
    Who cares if one more light goes out?
    Well I do