• Fragment of Memories,  Life Picturesque

    Fragment of Memories: It was Beautiful

    Whatever it was.
    I remembered when I first saw you.
    I remembered the letters that we wrote to each other.
    It’s not like we live in ancient era that we decided to wrote those letters.
    It was because we were in love and we think it was romantic (was it? is it still?)
    It was beautiful.
    Until I know. That you locked me inside an invincible room.
    I couldn’t be with my friends. I did not have freedom.

    I loved you until you made me disappointed.


  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Tiny bits of ME VS Chester Bennington

    I am currently at Semarang right now. I had finally did a consultation with my grandma and my aunt for my problems. I feel that I can talk to them more than my parents ;_; or I guess the most closest people are the most far for some people. My grandma and aunt told me something that I really wanted to hear. One of it is going to school again. I mean, university. I had always loved psychology and I wanted to study psychology since I graduated from my first bachelor degree.
    I’m going to discuss a bit about parenting here. First of all, I don’t have the backgrounds and true knowledge of the things I said but it has to do with common people thinking.
    So I always felt that I don’t really have good parents. They do love me I know. It’s just their way of doing it is wrong. My mom and biological dad has been divorced since I was in middle school. I used to be closer to my biological dad but after 6 months they had been divorced I feel like I have been dumped by him. I am not sure whether my mom pays him not to see him anymore or is it really him and his new wife that has problem with having me. I didn’t really care back then.
    Living just with my mom is really hard. I often got stressed and I feel so unloved. She cannot love me the way I want to be loved. She thinks I feel loved just by her providing for me, giving me things that I did not ask…but when I really want something she doesn’t give.
    I had my first nervous breakdown when I was in university. I was 19. I had a stupid fight with my mom. Wanting her to understand me but she never thinks about other people, the important thing is she is always right. When she came in my room I suddenly shouted real hard. Without saying any words. Just shout. I asked for help to my cousin and my other aunt but they not seemed to care so I stopped depending with my family. I just want to feel loved until and I feel that when I got attention from other people. I got in bad past relationships because I can’t really choose a good partner. My mom only cares for me to have a boyfriend and get married soon. I…was never ready to get married, but I really want to get out of this house. So I finally tried to follow what she wants. I never get a long lasting relationship because I cannot think clearly what is best for me. I never think about the future until now. I have no vision. I was a lost child. Ok let’s stop here first. I will post about my life more in the future.
    I am actually grateful that all these this happens to me because at the end it inspires me. It gives me inspirations to write. It gives me the will to help people that are having problems like me or even worse.
    I have an example. Chester Bennington. He is the lead singer in Linkin Park. It was my favorite band during my school year. Chester had a bad past. Here’s a link to his story Click Here. His problems was in the past but he still struggles with his life after he already became famous. I don’t really know about the details but he ended his life by doing suicide. In Christian it’s really an awful thing to do. You will go to hell for that. What I want to discuss though, I really admire his works, his songs really inspires me, but why? Why he ended his life? Maybe he is not that close to God. Maybe he did not pray enough. I think one of his songs called Heavy really reflect that he is having problems.

    I’m holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?
    Holding on
    So much more than I can carry
    I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
    If I just let go, I’d be set free
    Holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?
    I am a Christian but I still often thinks about suicide. I think you cannot avoid suicide thinking if you have been through problems like me or Chester. I cannot compare my problems to him though because my pasts wasn’t as traumatic as him. I’m actually really sad that he decides to end his life because I always loved his songs. If I can talk or convince him before he suicide, I really want to do that.

    If they say
    Who cares if one more light goes out?
    In the sky of a million stars
    It flickers, flickers
    Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
    If a moment is all we are
    Or quicker, quicker
    Who cares if one more light goes out?
    Well I do

  • Fragment of Memories,  Life Picturesque

    Fragment of Memories: Another Hometown

    I remembered when I woke up hearing the sound of the sewing machine running loud outside the room. I was in…my aunt’s house in Semarang. It was noon, I went outside seeing people had already on their own sewing places. I walked to the side of the table seeing a brown cup of tea with a little sprinkles of sugar especially prepared for me. I drank it. Someone offered me a plate of fried rice, oh or it was a fried chicken? I think I remembered the wrong day, but I know both of them were delicious. Oh! Something tickles my legs. Seemed that the pet has become fond of me. He is so black that you can only see his eyes.
    I had finished my lunch, I walked through the fridge, I searched for my ice cream. I took it and ate it. It gets me addicted that I wanted more…it was…cookies and cream flavour.
    “Sasa.” They used to call me. We had plans to swim today so I prepared some stuffs and go to the swimming place. The other side of the swimming pool was too deep for me to go so I used to just reached 1/3 of the pool.
    It was dinner time, we went to a place called Danti’s Steak and we ate steak. I used to eat “steak lidah” back then. After that we went downstairs and I remembered that I have eaten all my ice creams so I wanted to buy again. We bought some cakes too. We went home.
    At home they asked me to join them to the roof to see stars. I was so scared of going up because it wasn’t an easy path for me, but I went there eventually. It’s almost midnight. We went downstairs and play some PlayStation games. What was that game? Was it Final Fantasy VIII or Harvest Moon? It’s late already so we went to bed.