• Life Picturesque

    Tak Sedetikpun


    Kau Bapa yang setia
    Tak pernah sedetik Kau tinggalkan diriku
    Hatiku teguh di dalam janji-Mu
    Sampai ku melihat kuasa-Mu
    Karya-Mu sempurna, ajaib dan mulia
    Penyertaan-Mu buktikan kasih-Mu kepadaku
    Kuagungkan Engkau Yesus termulia
    Kasih-Mu terindah s’lamanya
    Ku tetap berharap di dalam kesesakan
    Ku tetap percaya walau tak melihat
    S’bab ku yakin
    Ronald Pangemanan, Joseph S. Djafar, Michael Panjaitan
    Meaning of this Christian song is Jesus love has the greatest love forever. He never leaves us even when we forgets about Him. I always know He is waiting for me to get back to Him when I’m on the wrong path.

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Disappointment Part II – Try to Change People

    To be honest. I have had too many disappointment in life. I didn’t say that I did not disappoint other people also though, but I am quite sure I have made people disappointed in me too. Me myself is not perfect too I know.
    The previous post about disappointment, I wrote about trying to change. The thing is does “changing” people a good thing? It is a good thing if you change them to a better person. According to my experience though, we cannot totally change people’s character. It’s to the point where you need to accept them for who they are. I know it is hard. It is definitely hard for me.
    My character, I got disappointed easily. During my relationships with someone, I often wanted to change them to be a better person. For me it is normal when you don’t want your boyfriend to get close with another woman, or vice versa because it leads to what you called temptation. Or other things like want them to not be lazy, have a job, 24/7 with you, etc etc, but perfect isn’t for human. One of my bad characteristic is I always feel I lack of attention (towards my partner).

    #1

    He got the looks but he wasn’t good at his economy. My mom probably doesn’t allow me to be with him. So I prayed to God for His guidance. I eventually said yes to him. We both are Christian. Every start of relationship is always great. Fresh. We went to Church every Sunday. It was great for a few months. Then we started to skipped Church, I became lazy to pray. I think it effects my relationships. I start lacking of his attention. I craved and I think it made him feels disturbed? I need to tell him or even begged him for attention. It’s going on and on until a few months. I feel there’s distant between us. I started to get insecure, I demanded him to come to my house more often and so on. I feel what I did made him uncomfortable and he started to mingle with other women. Made me more insecure and unhappy I should have break up, well I did, he begged me to get back with him. I thought, maybe he learned his lesson. But no, he did not, instead I found out that he was flirting with another woman. Why did he not just break up with me, was it because my mom has money or something? Why did he hurt me over and over again. Even on our engagement day he wasn’t looking happy. I don’t understand. I got disappointed every single day. I cannot change him to be better.

    #2

    He wasn’t my first choice, he is 3 years younger than me. What did I expect? He went to my house everyday like he was crazy about me. I actually had the feeling that we wont last long. I accepted him (because I felt he truly loved me). I know very well we did not really match for each other. Lasts for only 4 months. He was in my previous posts before. He was the very worst of my ex. While he was with me he’s still close with his ex. While he was with me he was flirting with another woman. Why do I always made the wrong choice? I think before accepting anyone I should think about it more. I should know his background.

    #3

    Kept doing the same mistake. I trust people so easily that I got disappointed all the time. I thought he was the one, but he wasn’t. With him it was like a fairy tale. He often said good things to me. Good visions for the future, but on the present time the future visions wouldn’t be accomplished if he has that kind of characteristics. We both weren’t ready for serious commitments. It was all about love, but love always isn’t enough.
    Lesson learned. We can’t change a person characteristics, a little maybe can. We can make them to be better but we can’t change them to have a different character. We need to accept them and if you can’t accept them don’t be with them or get married with them.
     

  • Life Picturesque

    A Letter to Jesus

    Before blogging this, I really wanted to complain about things going on today in my until I turn on YouTube to Church songs. I feel like I wanted to pour out about my feelings recently. I cannot claim myself as a Christian fanatic because I never force anyone to really move their religion to mine; even though I wanted them to believe in Jesus Christ. Just a heads up if I blog about Christianity it is because I wanted to share my experience and my struggles also on how God helped me through it.
    Dear Jesus,
    I have been a Christian for about 8 years now. I have been going in and out of Church. I have not been diligent going to Church. I have been forgetting to commit to go to Church, to pray, to not forget about You. All I know is that You are always waiting for me to come back. 
    I see now. All of these problems I am facing is for me to go back to You. For me to be saved again and again. I know when I am happy I tend to forget about You. I did not ask or depend on You; I depend on my own power. You weren’t my priority…until now I realized that all I need is You Jesus.

    Your Child,
    Alyssa Milano
    (yes this is my real name–not the actress though!)

    I was afraid to commit because I always on and off about religion, but recently I have committed to read the Daily Bread, I committed to pray every single day…I know it took a long time to really understands how to love and how to make Jesus priority because Earth things comes first (either it is family or lover or even money). Then today I watched a sermon (streaming) by Pdt. Josia Abdisaputera and it gives me an image of how to make Him priority. I will write it on my next blog under The Journey of a Disciple category (the name is taken by my Church topic).

    Christ is Enough – Hillsong


    VERSE
    Christ is my reward
    And all of my devotion
    Now there’s nothing in this world
    That could ever satisfy

    PRE-CHORUS
    Through every trial
    My soul will sing
    No turning back
    I’ve been set free

    CHORUS
    Christ is enough for me
    Christ is enough for me

    Everything I need is in You
    Everything I need

    VERSE
    Christ my all in all
    The joy of my salvation
    And this hope will never fail
    Heaven is our home
    PRE-CHORUS
    Through every storm
    My soul will sing
    Jesus is here
    To God be the glory

    BRIDGE
    I have decided to follow Jesus
    No turning back
    No turning back

    The cross before me
    The world behind me

    No turning back
    No turning back
    Lyric Source
     

  • Life Picturesque,  TV Series & Movie Junkie

    Robin Schulz, David Guetta, Cheat Codes – Shed a Light

    I know it’s not a new song but I recently knew about it and it kinda gives me inspiration on writing about something o(≧∇≦o)

    Why are you keeping me at a distance?
    All that I’m asking for is forgiveness
    Are you even listening? Am I talking to myself again?
    I keep on staring up at the ceiling
    Waiting for you to give me some kind of reason
    Are you even listening? Am I talking to myself again?
    And I know you don’t owe me your love
    And I know that you don’t owe me nothing at all
    Ain’t no way I’m giving up on you
    Don’t leave me here in the dark when it’s hard to see
    Show me your heart, shed a light on me
    If you love me, say so, if you love me say so
    You know I can’t live without you, I’m on my knees
    Where are you now? Shed a light on me
    If you love me, say so, if you love me say so
    Why when I call, you never answer?
    I’ll try to talk, you keep on dancing
    I can feel you on my skin, but am I only dancing with the wind?
    And I know you don’t owe me your love
    And I know that you don’t owe me nothing at all
    Ain’t no way I’m giving up on you
    Don’t leave me here in the dark when it’s hard to see
    Show me your heart, shed a light on me
    If you love me, say so, if you love me say so
    If you love me, say something
    You know I can’t live without you, I’m on my knees
    Where are you now? Shed a light on me
    If you love me, say so, if you love me say so
    Shed a light, shed a light on me
    Shed a light, shed a light on me
    Don’t leave me here in the dark when it’s hard to see
    Show me your heart, shed a light on me
    If you love me, say so, if you love me say so
  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Am I Naive? Seeking my Happiness

    Am I a naive person? All these years seeking for happiness that never comes—No, actually it did for awhile. Well we can’t really hoped for a perfect life right? Though on my previous posts I said that I am quite thankful that problems came to me cause if not maybe I wouldn’t have a religion, I wouldn’t know God. Problems are tests whether we stayed or we go. There is one thing I am sure of is that I believe that good things are coming my way. Maybe not now but later on.
    I have been a Christian for 8 years and there are those times where it was “On and Off”. I really tried hard to commit but it seems that I didn’t know how before. There are some happy times where I just forget about Church, the bible, times where I don’t talk to God, but when I have problems, I always return to Him. So these 2 years I decided that when I am ready I will commit. These few months I had started to commit to God again.
    “All these years seeking for happiness that never comes—No, actually it did for awhile.” I ever felt like there are these phases of my life when I thought I finally got my happiness, but that happiness just became problems in the end. The cause. The cause is that I focus on that happiness until I forgot logic. For example, when I am happy in a relationship and after a while I knew that the future was a blur and I still go on with it. These are the most mistakes I made in my life. Well it is quite hard for me cause of what I will say below.
    I have this thirst and hunger of being loved. I became a quite self-centered person “the grandiosity” type and a lot of times I asked myself “why have I become this person?” Yes my pasts and my family are part of it, but I am the cause. Maybe if I am strong enough or know what I wanted from the start I wouldn’t become this person. I do have regrets but we can’t change anything do we? I really don’t have the answer to this question but I believe there will be a way for every problems in every single one of us if we have faith. Don’t give up!
     
     

  • Fragment of Memories,  Life Picturesque

    Fragment of Memories: It was Beautiful

    Whatever it was.
    I remembered when I first saw you.
    I remembered the letters that we wrote to each other.
    It’s not like we live in ancient era that we decided to wrote those letters.
    It was because we were in love and we think it was romantic (was it? is it still?)
    It was beautiful.
    Until I know. That you locked me inside an invincible room.
    I couldn’t be with my friends. I did not have freedom.

    I loved you until you made me disappointed.

     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Blaming Your Family

    The past cannot be changed, the future is shaped by our current thinking. It is imperative for our freedom to understand that our parents were doing the best they could with the understanding awareness and knowledge they had. Whenever we blame someone else, we are not taking responsibility for ourselves.
    Those people who did all those terrible things to us were just as frightened and scared as you are. They felt just the same helplessness as you do. The only things they could possible teach you are what they had been taught.

    ~taken from a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
    This is my current issue. I know that I should stop blaming them (especially my mom) but it is hard. I know she had provided for me but you know, I have lived with her my entire life and there are so much pain that she had caused me. I am coming through a process which I try not to blame her anymore.
    So in the book also asked, did you know about your parents pasts? Honestly I thought about it quite a lot. I know that her dad was a gambler and a cheater (I think she hated him and my own grandpa even doesn’t know me). I know she lived a hard life and worked hard her entire life because she lived poorly and always said to me that she don’t want to be like my grandma (weak and doesn’t have money). Then she had to overcome a divorce when I was in my middle school. I just knew that my dad had often cheated on her. I was closer to my dad before and I did not know that he was that kind of person. She had been through a lot in her life…it effects me too, it effects the way she educates me. I never failed at school, but I wasn’t good at it either. My mom doesn’t really care about my grades I did not know why…I wish she were because I wanted to study more when I graduated from my first bachelor degree. (She always wanted me to get married don’t know why–probably because of my family surroundings).
    You know when she did and said those mean things to me I always thought maybe I’m not her child or maybe I reminds her of my dad. I don’t know maybe I had this resemblance of him? It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I grew to be a stronger woman now. I mean these things made my eyes open about the different aspects of life. However, my step-father is more to a supportive father, he often tells me to do what I like in life (instead to always listens to my mother) but I never took it seriously because I feel that my mom is more dominate and it was my fault. He even concerned when I was in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a job and still depends on mommy’s money. Well…
    To conclude this topic, yes parents gave a great impact of what you become; but remember that after you graduated from high school or maybe university you have a freedom and the right to choose what you like to do in your life. Even though you will still need their direction, it is still your choice of what you want to be.
    9543646430c17edc0dea6b0d7ca6453f

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    He's not that Into You

    He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully or a really big freak. If you really love someone you want to do things that make them happy.

    ~taken from a book called He’s not that Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
    I’m really not a book person but when there’s a good book I take a good read (mostly books about psychology, love, life).
    He was perfect. He has ways to make me feel good. I knew he was the one. *Silence* At least that’s what I thought. We have a different way of living here in my country. I think that most western people, before they got married, they lived with their partners for a few years then they decided to get married. Here like most Asians do, we cannot live like that. It is a very different life if you compare dating phase and marriage phase.
    My family is quite different from the others (perhaps). Sometimes my parents allow my bf to stay a night or two at the house (during weekends). There I can know how they actually acts around the house. For example if we had finished eating, will he help us to clean the plates? I mean I know it is my house but he is my boyfriend, at least be considerate. It is really a good thing to know if he just automatically helps without me saying anything. This act would also make my parents thinks he is good. This act will make me think that I can depend on him.
    Back to this topic : He was perfect. He has ways to make me feel good. I knew he was the one. *Silence* At least that’s what I thoughtI dated this guy once. He is really good at making people believed in him. It was a really short dating phase when I thought that he is the one. We get serious. He does makes me happy at first but then after awhile he stopped doing effort for the relationship. Long story short it leads me to depression. So honestly, though sometimes I see that short dating phase turns out good in marriage, it doesn’t work for all people.

    If you really love someone you want to do things that make them happy.

    I believe in this quote because if I love someone I always do things to make them happy…but it is really disappointing if he doesn’t…what is the point of relationship if it doesn’t makes us happy?
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    I Love You; because…

    You are pretty.
    You have money.
    Because I can earn prestige from you.
    ____
    It was love at first sight. It was pure chemistry. I remembered I was in a country so cold; I was in a tour…He has this type of manly face and body that I like. Let’s say he is A.
    I felt the innocent sparkles between us towards our trip. He looked at me, I looked at him; all through the trip.
    I did not know he was much younger than me because he looks much mature and for me, I always looked young (not to brag but people always thought I’m still in high school; don’t know if that is good or bad).
    We get to trade numbers though.
    There is this other man. Let’s say he is B. He is his cousin. I did not notice him at all during the trip but…after the trip we started texting. I do enjoyed talking to him but just as friends.
    Went a few dates with A. My heart was “doki-doki” when I was with him; but his age is my concern.
    I did not end up with A. The main reason was, he went out with his friends. I texted him but he did not reply within days. So I thought, maybe he wasn’t serious and ready to commit yet.
    I started to date B. It wasn’t love. It was a sweet escape for us. Deep down I know, he did not love me for me but for prestige. (I have this cool sports car–not that expensive though). I think it makes him proud that “I looked like I have money”. His ex wasn’t as good economy as my family; he is the type of guy that compares.
    He was my nightmare through out all of my previous relationship. I though wasn’t ready to be committed too. I made a fast hasty decision of accepting him. He changed, he cannot accept who I am, I too cannot accept for who he is. He just left. Gone. By the wind. Goodbye sucky love.
    _____
    I want to be loved for what I am inside. Not because I’m pretty, but because I have a good personality (can’t say I am). Not because I have money but because I care and respect you. Doesn’t all people do?
    …but love is much more complicated than that…so to be continued I guess? o(*≧□≦)o
     
     
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    I Love You; but That's not Enough

    Had many bitter relationship experiences in my life. Made the same mistakes over and over again. I was not thought how to commit. What I heard from my mom; I need to find a well established handsome man. Honestly I did not understand why I always end up with someone unstable, but I love them unconditionally. —-Turns out, mostly they disappoint me.
    I learned, love is not enough. You need to get to know your future partner first before getting into relationships. My problem was, my mom often asked me “where is your boyfriend?” I even had been single for a year and she kept asking the same question. It forces me to find a boyfriend fast. She also hoped I got married early. I wanted to take another degree again on psychology but my mom wouldn’t allow me, I know she had the money but she said,“it’s not the time to study anymore, think about marriage.” So after the age of 24 every boyfriend I had we always discuss about marriage. Marriage to me=freedom. (Had a not so good past with my parents that makes me just want to get out of here-save this story for later). For these reasons I chose the wrong man all the time. Well maybe not wrong, it’s just he is not the one for me, I just decide to soon.
    There are a some guys I said yes to but I did not love him (at first), then through time I learned to love him unconditionally. Why did I make a fast decision? 1st I was lack of love in my family, 2nd my mom always wanted me to have a partner. When she asked “where is your boyfriend?” and not just once I sometimes felt like no one loves me, I’m ugly, and so on (that was before though).
    Most of my relationships, I–wasn’t ready for it. I want the relationship for the wrong reasons. I was lonely, unloved.

    5464cf5a5cbee01134cd698f7151d14b
    Source Image

    So during one of my relationship, I barely knew him. In about a month or so he already asked me to be his GF. I–was afraid I wouldn’t get another man so I said yes. I was…not that happy…I guess? I accepted him because he has the same believes as mine, he wasn’t stable at economy but at least he work. Mom also agreed because he is quite handsome. I think he was a hard working man since he is still unstable and he seemed to love his family.
    After a few months. I felt I loved him dearly and unconditionally. He wasn’t good at saving money and he changed. He doesn’t care about me, he never texted me while he was working (I did not ask much but he seemed not interested to chat with me). I called him every time he comes home from work just to talk because I missed him but his respond was “I am tired/can we just chat?/can we talk later?”. I often nag about when can we get together, when can we meet, but his response hurts me slowly…I had the feelings he have another someone that he is close to. I rarely see his cell phone (I don’t like to check on phones). I ever asked him if he is bored with me and he did not say anything so I assumed yes. It really breaks my heart. I decided to just break it off with him. He cried. WTF, he cried and wants me back (I was so lazy to start another relationship, restarting over) so I accepted him. I wanted him to care about me more, I–wanted us to spend more time together. The first month he was so sweet and we decided to have an engagement on February. It was hard for me to believe him at first but I slowly can accept him again.
    On the second month, I think this was after the engagement, he was taking a shower in my house. I did not know why I was curious to see his cell phone that he borrowed from my mom. I was curious, saw his LINE and *bam*. Just a single chat from a lady and it showed how close they are. WTF, I cried. Had an argument with him. Long story short I gave him another chance. I did not know why I gave him another chance…but I was totally insecure after that. I kept asking where he went and so on. It was his fault making me this way. He said he doesn’t like me like this. Got me thinking…I cannot love him anymore. I break up with him again. He cried again saying last time he did not take it seriously. I did not accept him again. One month once a week he gave me a rose, but I cannot trust him anymore. So my relationship with him ended here. (FYI in a month he got a new GF–so during the roses phase he was already close to another woman). Meh :/ Well I hope he changed now.
    ____
    WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
    Love is not enough. Even though you loved someone so dearly but you did not do something that makes that person loved/happy or vice versa means you are not ready for the relationship.
    Love is not enough, it needs an effort even after marriage.
    Autopilot kills relationship. It’s doing something the same over and over again without any developments towards each other. Also having the same arguments without understanding each other is hard. I know thinking about it just lazy but if you are committed you need an effort. Here is a good site to discuss about relationship effort.
    Click Here
    …then again there is more to it…
    ~to be continued