• Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Never Been this Assured

    Never Been this Assured, or I shall say “true beyond any doubt”.

    I know that it has been a while since my last “life blog”. I had my dark year last year. Welp if you guys follow my blog probably you’ve have known. I also have been struggling with work these years. I shouldn’t have worked at my family’s company. I should have gain experience outside. Get to know communities. No even if I work on other companies I don’t thing that will be my passion. Now I’m freelancing. I don’t really like freelancing, no-wait I don’t really like design to be frank. I’m pretty much half on anything. I can draw but not that great. I am very good at pronunciations but not so good at the English itself. I’m pretty much not really great on a ‘certain’ thing. But I know now for sure that I am enjoying making videos and playing my games. Heck I love to do blogging too (that’s when I am in the mood though). I love to share. Now that my dark times had pass (I’m no saying that it is 100% over yet), I have to make sure that I follow my passion and know myself better. Know what I wanted to do. Wanna know what my passion is? Playing games and making videos of it, so I decided to become a YouTuber.

    I had tried to applied to certain companies outside my country (it’s a long story why I chose another country) else, I just want to freelance. One of the country I tried applying is Singapore. I went there for 2 interviews. 2 of the jobs sucks. No not the job. Job seemed fun but the boss…2 of the boss seemed illegal. 1 was a young boss trying real hard to get me the job (he applied me E-Pass which is illegal but he said he used to do these stuffs), 1 was old fashioned guy, kind of creepy, it was like an interview but not really. 2 Hours waste of time. The other young boss however seemed legit at first but it turns out that he was trying to get close with me which creeps me out also (scarrryyyyyy). I think it was because I told him about my problems (the reason I told him was because maybe if I got accepted in the job I might need to come home to my country to finish my problem). 

    Argh long story short I still look for jobs but after I meet my SimstuberID friends I get a little bit of light there. We are very different people, different ages and religion but we support each other. After a while I know that this is my true passion (though I know I am a hard worker on companies). Then I met some more people (from the YoLo Squad) who are very nice and helpful also. My story doesn’t end here, I still need to struggle through the subscribers and the 4000 hours of views to get my channel monetize! So watch out for my future uploads and blogs 🙂

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    To Pray or Not to Pray

    Hello there! (To whoever is reading this)

    To pray or not to pray? There are these writing inspirations that lately came up in my mind. I will tell you the power of praying and how it give me effects through life. Maybe you have different thoughts, that’s okay, I respect that.

    I am a Christian but I don’t talk about only Christian people. I talk for all religions. Just FYI I hate fanatic people. Before I became a Christian, I heard a friend of mine saying to another friend that she will go to hell if you are not becoming a Christian. Hmm to be honest, I know she maybe have the experience of having a miracle from being a Christian but that’s not how you say it to people. For me, sharing is enough. Just have respect on each other’s religion.

    Religion are choices.

    Let’s get to the point. I recently have had heard some devastating stories from my friends. I mean, sometimes they took life too hard (while doesn’t think others are harder).

    A story of mine, I have had a tough year last year. I stopped praying when I met my someone (2 years ago). All I know was just having fun. I forgot about God. It is not the first time I am like this. I know I sometimes had the committal issues regarding to praying and reading bible or reading “Word of the Day”. I just stopped. Then last year something happened. It’s a big thing for me that made me want to suicide. Luckily I have a Religion and I started praying again. To be honest, even though I prayed it doesn’t mean that the suicidal thoughts are gone. I was stressed I lost like 7 Kg without dieting.

    For me I talked with my God, Jesus, and the holy spirit surrounds me. I cried almost everyday while praying asking for His forgiveness and asking for a way out. It doesn’t heal in just a day (the suicidal thoughts), but it is good to have a God to talk and lean on especially when you have no one. From there you will start to get positive thoughts, you have something to believe, something good.

    I started to read Word of the Day again and I almost never skipped a day until now.

    Honestly I had ups and downs on religion. When I am happy I forgot about going to Church or praying. I know that really a big mistake. We shouldn’t leave our God because He is suppose to be our first priority. He is the one that made us and can heal our wounds whenever we are down.

    I am writing this for those who are kind of lost, kind of loosing hope, kind of “suicidalish”, those who doesn’t have anyone, try to pray.

    (I’m sorry I am not good at explaining things but I love to share my experiences with you, I hoped that my writings can influence people to a positive side).

    Read my related and very first post here & and a Letter to Jesus here.

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    My Other Past

    I had been pending this post for a while. Did not know whether I should post it or not, but I just wanted to share my feelings towards a quite crucial event that happened to me in the past.
    I don’t really know about his past. All I know he had loving parents (my grandparents). I was closer to him yes I did but after 6 months they divorce he never comes up in my life again. I was too young to know about these things. It did not matter to me as much if I did not meet him at all before. It effects me when I have grown older. So when I was 19 I tried to contact him through my cousin from his side. I did not know why I wanted to contact him that time. My cousin gave me his BlackBerry pin. I tried adding him but he declined. I asked my cousin and he said the reason was that my dad was afraid he would be reminded of my mother. What kind of bullshit reason was that. Well I thought maybe my step-mother doesn’t allow him to contact me. I was sad before but now I just don’t really care anymore. I do think about him sometimes, because he is still my biological parent and he is still there in my memories. I just want to know what was all his reasons for doing this to me. Though it doesn’t really affect me at all now.
    Divorce. You can divorce your spouse but you can’t divorce your children. Remember that 🙂
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Have you ever feel "Out of Place"?

    Have you ever experience the feeling when you are in a certain community and you feel that you don’t belong in there? But you forced to be there, forced to not be yourself just because you want to be cool.
    I am a geek. I stayed at home a lot since childhood. 1st because my mom don’t want me to waste money. 2nd, because she often worries me even until now. Since I’m an only child, I use my free time to play games (console and online). I have trouble in socializing, I can’t do a good presentation in front of the class, I did not have confidence on anything. I experienced getting bullied until I asked my mom to go abroad. LOL. It wasn’t a fun experience. I experienced love and rejection too.
    Until I move school in high school, I gained my confidence, I can socialize more and I experienced relationship. I had a relationship with someone who was very insecure. It is still normal if he doesn’t allow me to go with boy friends, but he doesn’t allow me to go with my girl friends also. So I choose love over friends. That was a bad decision. School days should be fun without any burden of restriction of having friends. I hope he’s a changed person now 🙂
    On my second year, me, him and a few of my friends used to play Initial D and Maximum Tune. After I broke up with my ex, I began knowing more friends on this game (mostly guys because it’s a racing game). I forgot how we know each other but I was asked to join their group. Turns out one of them likes me and we had a relationship. I broke up with him though eventually but I still stayed on their group and we stayed as friends too. When it’s time for me to decide for college, I decide to stay in my country because I was afraid I cannot have any friends abroad. Now this was my mistake. I thought I belong here. I thought I couldn’t have cool friends like they are. My group became mature; mature in form as most of us already have our own car. We turn game to a real car club. This was when it began more complicated. I thought car clubs are cool, because I love racing game, racing in reality is…pumping your adrenaline!! During that time I had the guts to speed up, I had fun when my friends are speeding (when I wasn’t driving). Now I just think it was stupid. Our life is much moar important. Now I drive like an old person with a less sight *JK*, I drive normally. I don’t speed anymore. Fact is I am scared of the road now. Too many people aren’t respecting the traffic rules. Another fact, here, too many people aren’t following most rules. LOL.
    Anyway continuing to my story. I finally became more uncomfortable being with them. I had nothing to talk about. What most of them did was just going into clubs and playing poker. Another thing that gets me disappointed was there’s this one person who collects money from us every month so that we could like make an event with that money. The money is gone. WTD, you think it’s easy making money? I was at rage then, and if I think about it now I am at rage now. LOL. I mean, c’mon some people struggle to get money and you just took it. Did you not learn manners at all? After a while they started playing poker, I quit. I quit hanging out with them. Pointless. Just pointless. I am not saying all of them are bad, I’m also saying that I see some of them seemed to change. I remembered some of them are bad mouthing me, trust me I KNOW. Without you telling me, I KNOW. I have a great intuition in all things. Now when I think about it, why the duck I was friends with them. Meheheh. Some of them are good people though. I mean real good.
    The point is. I spent my life trying to fit in with a group I did not fit. I also spent my life thinking about what others might think about me. Now I just don’t ducking care.

    What I did.

    First was of course asking God for help, getting close to Him makes my mind grow to be more positive. This is especially for people who have trait of a loner like me or doesn’t have a lot of friends.
    Second I would search for positive books (or quotes or articles on internet), that’s why I have quite many psychological related books. But you know when you read that kind of books you need to stay realistic 😉
    Third, I tried not to care what others think. It was hard at first because I am a type of person that hates to get bad mouthed.
    Fourth, try to see where I fit in. 
    It takes years to change mindset, but after I am through with it my life is lighter, I am now always too positive towards things. I always thinks everything will turn out good no matter what, if not, then it’s a lesson to learn!
    To be honest, it is easy for me to introduce myself to people now days. I am quite confident on engaging a conversation. BUT! There’s always this gap between me and them. I have a few best friends whom I trust, the others just friends where you say hello when you meet.
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Disappointment Part II – Try to Change People

    To be honest. I have had too many disappointment in life. I didn’t say that I did not disappoint other people also though, but I am quite sure I have made people disappointed in me too. Me myself is not perfect too I know.
    The previous post about disappointment, I wrote about trying to change. The thing is does “changing” people a good thing? It is a good thing if you change them to a better person. According to my experience though, we cannot totally change people’s character. It’s to the point where you need to accept them for who they are. I know it is hard. It is definitely hard for me.
    My character, I got disappointed easily. During my relationships with someone, I often wanted to change them to be a better person. For me it is normal when you don’t want your boyfriend to get close with another woman, or vice versa because it leads to what you called temptation. Or other things like want them to not be lazy, have a job, 24/7 with you, etc etc, but perfect isn’t for human. One of my bad characteristic is I always feel I lack of attention (towards my partner).

    #1

    He got the looks but he wasn’t good at his economy. My mom probably doesn’t allow me to be with him. So I prayed to God for His guidance. I eventually said yes to him. We both are Christian. Every start of relationship is always great. Fresh. We went to Church every Sunday. It was great for a few months. Then we started to skipped Church, I became lazy to pray. I think it effects my relationships. I start lacking of his attention. I craved and I think it made him feels disturbed? I need to tell him or even begged him for attention. It’s going on and on until a few months. I feel there’s distant between us. I started to get insecure, I demanded him to come to my house more often and so on. I feel what I did made him uncomfortable and he started to mingle with other women. Made me more insecure and unhappy I should have break up, well I did, he begged me to get back with him. I thought, maybe he learned his lesson. But no, he did not, instead I found out that he was flirting with another woman. Why did he not just break up with me, was it because my mom has money or something? Why did he hurt me over and over again. Even on our engagement day he wasn’t looking happy. I don’t understand. I got disappointed every single day. I cannot change him to be better.

    #2

    He wasn’t my first choice, he is 3 years younger than me. What did I expect? He went to my house everyday like he was crazy about me. I actually had the feeling that we wont last long. I accepted him (because I felt he truly loved me). I know very well we did not really match for each other. Lasts for only 4 months. He was in my previous posts before. He was the very worst of my ex. While he was with me he’s still close with his ex. While he was with me he was flirting with another woman. Why do I always made the wrong choice? I think before accepting anyone I should think about it more. I should know his background.

    #3

    Kept doing the same mistake. I trust people so easily that I got disappointed all the time. I thought he was the one, but he wasn’t. With him it was like a fairy tale. He often said good things to me. Good visions for the future, but on the present time the future visions wouldn’t be accomplished if he has that kind of characteristics. We both weren’t ready for serious commitments. It was all about love, but love always isn’t enough.
    Lesson learned. We can’t change a person characteristics, a little maybe can. We can make them to be better but we can’t change them to have a different character. We need to accept them and if you can’t accept them don’t be with them or get married with them.
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Am I Naive? Seeking my Happiness

    Am I a naive person? All these years seeking for happiness that never comes—No, actually it did for awhile. Well we can’t really hoped for a perfect life right? Though on my previous posts I said that I am quite thankful that problems came to me cause if not maybe I wouldn’t have a religion, I wouldn’t know God. Problems are tests whether we stayed or we go. There is one thing I am sure of is that I believe that good things are coming my way. Maybe not now but later on.
    I have been a Christian for 8 years and there are those times where it was “On and Off”. I really tried hard to commit but it seems that I didn’t know how before. There are some happy times where I just forget about Church, the bible, times where I don’t talk to God, but when I have problems, I always return to Him. So these 2 years I decided that when I am ready I will commit. These few months I had started to commit to God again.
    “All these years seeking for happiness that never comes—No, actually it did for awhile.” I ever felt like there are these phases of my life when I thought I finally got my happiness, but that happiness just became problems in the end. The cause. The cause is that I focus on that happiness until I forgot logic. For example, when I am happy in a relationship and after a while I knew that the future was a blur and I still go on with it. These are the most mistakes I made in my life. Well it is quite hard for me cause of what I will say below.
    I have this thirst and hunger of being loved. I became a quite self-centered person “the grandiosity” type and a lot of times I asked myself “why have I become this person?” Yes my pasts and my family are part of it, but I am the cause. Maybe if I am strong enough or know what I wanted from the start I wouldn’t become this person. I do have regrets but we can’t change anything do we? I really don’t have the answer to this question but I believe there will be a way for every problems in every single one of us if we have faith. Don’t give up!
     
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Self-Centered or Narcissist? Can I be Honest?

    I found this site about a self-centered person or narcissist. So in the site it says that there are 4 ways to tell. Focus on self, empathy, grandiosity and breaking rules. I am one of those 4; grandiosity.
    Self-centered people crave attention from others, and can reliably find a way to talk about themselves when they begin to feel neglected and unimportant. In conversations, they may talk too much about themselves, but they can also actually listen to others.
    It is true I craved attention from others (can be my closest friend to random people), I also find a way to talk about myself when I begin to feel neglected and unimportant. I do talk about myself but I also listen to others. I like to listen and observe other people’s stories. Knowing what their problems are can add up to my experience in life. I like to give advises to my friends too. That is why I like psychology so much. I know one thing though from a friend with a psychology degree that psychologist doesn’t give a an end solution but gives options to their patients. Our problems, our decisions always ends with us.
    I remembered  I always tell my problems to random people. Sometimes it’s because I am desperate and I really don’t know what to do. I cannot talk to my parents about my problems. I can rely to God but I need to communicate and see other people visions how they will solve if they were me.
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Do not Judge

    Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on. – http://livelifehappy.com/

    After what had happened to me these few months. The story that I never told in my blog. I don’t tell stories anymore to random people. I am honestly easy to get to know with but now I am closing up to new people or friends that aren’t really close. I felt that I was a dramatic person with a complicated life. So I don’t think people need to know about it. I want to keep it to myself and people that are close to me.
    I am coming to this topic “do not judge” because I feel that some people are like judging me and questioning me on my back. They might have concerned about me or just want to have a gossip topic. Well, they did not know what I have been through so I don’t really care.
    I myself is a person who likes to judge. LOL. Not judge to be exact but more like observe. Like for example there is this one guy. He is kind but people don’t like him because of his attitude. His bad attitudes were like saying something that isn’t true, the gossip was he always targets a new female friend to be his GF, he says things like he wanted to be with a woman that have money. Honestly I knew things from gossip and I don’t really know what he was actually doing, was it really that bad that people hated him? I think yes he was desperate to find a GF but I don’t really know that what the gossip sayings are true or not. So I can’t really judge from that. Also when I observe people I would wonder what their backgrounds were like. Maybe he had a harsh childhood, or something that made him like this today. Me myself doesn’t come from a peaceful childhood so I can’t really believe and judge he is bad until I have real proof. Long story short, I guess he finds out that many people doesn’t like him and from his status I could see that he can’t really trust people anymore. It is sad actually and from what I heard, people already talked to him about his bad attitudes but they said that he is hard to change.
    I believe that every people have their own stories and problems that we actually don’t know. Sometimes we judge without knowing what are their backgrounds or what they had been through in life.

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Be Kind and Considerate

    (related discussion to my previous post about the song)
    Who cares if one more light goes out
    In the sky of a million stars?
    It flickers, flickers.
    Who cares when someone’s time runs out
    If a moment is all we are?
    Or quicker, quicker
    Who cares if one more light goes out?
    Well, I do.
    _____
    To be honest I am the type of person who is considerate to other people. No matter where the person comes from (either friends from game or real life). I’m just the type that cannot not considerate. I don’t want other people to feel bad for what I not purposely did to them. There is a “but” though. If that person isn’t considerate it is hard for me to be either.
    To me and Chester maybe it meant in a different way (cause this song is a tribute to his friend that has passed away Chris Cornell).
    To me this song meant if someone is down or someone is in a need of help and they felt that there’s no one that cares, believe me I care even-though I don’t know you. I have been through rough times, so I know how it felt to be lonely, unwanted and to close up to people. 
    I sometimes don’t understand people who doesn’t think about other people. Maybe they lack of communication, or too spoiled. I had some people in my life who says for what we are doing something good to that person/people we don’t get benefit from it. Honestly, they are not wrong but sometimes helping them will make me feel good if the reason makes sense.
    Know what counts and what doesn’t.

    Being here counts. Being kind and considerate counts. Getting through each day without offending anyone or hurting anyone counts.

    ~Rules of Life second edition by Richard Templar 

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Blaming Your Family

    The past cannot be changed, the future is shaped by our current thinking. It is imperative for our freedom to understand that our parents were doing the best they could with the understanding awareness and knowledge they had. Whenever we blame someone else, we are not taking responsibility for ourselves.
    Those people who did all those terrible things to us were just as frightened and scared as you are. They felt just the same helplessness as you do. The only things they could possible teach you are what they had been taught.

    ~taken from a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
    This is my current issue. I know that I should stop blaming them (especially my mom) but it is hard. I know she had provided for me but you know, I have lived with her my entire life and there are so much pain that she had caused me. I am coming through a process which I try not to blame her anymore.
    So in the book also asked, did you know about your parents pasts? Honestly I thought about it quite a lot. I know that her dad was a gambler and a cheater (I think she hated him and my own grandpa even doesn’t know me). I know she lived a hard life and worked hard her entire life because she lived poorly and always said to me that she don’t want to be like my grandma (weak and doesn’t have money). Then she had to overcome a divorce when I was in my middle school. I just knew that my dad had often cheated on her. I was closer to my dad before and I did not know that he was that kind of person. She had been through a lot in her life…it effects me too, it effects the way she educates me. I never failed at school, but I wasn’t good at it either. My mom doesn’t really care about my grades I did not know why…I wish she were because I wanted to study more when I graduated from my first bachelor degree. (She always wanted me to get married don’t know why–probably because of my family surroundings).
    You know when she did and said those mean things to me I always thought maybe I’m not her child or maybe I reminds her of my dad. I don’t know maybe I had this resemblance of him? It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I grew to be a stronger woman now. I mean these things made my eyes open about the different aspects of life. However, my step-father is more to a supportive father, he often tells me to do what I like in life (instead to always listens to my mother) but I never took it seriously because I feel that my mom is more dominate and it was my fault. He even concerned when I was in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a job and still depends on mommy’s money. Well…
    To conclude this topic, yes parents gave a great impact of what you become; but remember that after you graduated from high school or maybe university you have a freedom and the right to choose what you like to do in your life. Even though you will still need their direction, it is still your choice of what you want to be.
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