• Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Never Been this Assured

    Never Been this Assured, or I shall say “true beyond any doubt”.

    I know that it has been a while since my last “life blog”. I had my dark year last year. Welp if you guys follow my blog probably you’ve have known. I also have been struggling with work these years. I shouldn’t have worked at my family’s company. I should have gain experience outside. Get to know communities. No even if I work on other companies I don’t thing that will be my passion. Now I’m freelancing. I don’t really like freelancing, no-wait I don’t really like design to be frank. I’m pretty much half on anything. I can draw but not that great. I am very good at pronunciations but not so good at the English itself. I’m pretty much not really great on a ‘certain’ thing. But I know now for sure that I am enjoying making videos and playing my games. Heck I love to do blogging too (that’s when I am in the mood though). I love to share. Now that my dark times had pass (I’m no saying that it is 100% over yet), I have to make sure that I follow my passion and know myself better. Know what I wanted to do. Wanna know what my passion is? Playing games and making videos of it, so I decided to become a YouTuber.

    I had tried to applied to certain companies outside my country (it’s a long story why I chose another country) else, I just want to freelance. One of the country I tried applying is Singapore. I went there for 2 interviews. 2 of the jobs sucks. No not the job. Job seemed fun but the boss…2 of the boss seemed illegal. 1 was a young boss trying real hard to get me the job (he applied me E-Pass which is illegal but he said he used to do these stuffs), 1 was old fashioned guy, kind of creepy, it was like an interview but not really. 2 Hours waste of time. The other young boss however seemed legit at first but it turns out that he was trying to get close with me which creeps me out also (scarrryyyyyy). I think it was because I told him about my problems (the reason I told him was because maybe if I got accepted in the job I might need to come home to my country to finish my problem). 

    Argh long story short I still look for jobs but after I meet my SimstuberID friends I get a little bit of light there. We are very different people, different ages and religion but we support each other. After a while I know that this is my true passion (though I know I am a hard worker on companies). Then I met some more people (from the YoLo Squad) who are very nice and helpful also. My story doesn’t end here, I still need to struggle through the subscribers and the 4000 hours of views to get my channel monetize! So watch out for my future uploads and blogs 🙂

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    To Pray or Not to Pray

    Hello there! (To whoever is reading this)

    To pray or not to pray? There are these writing inspirations that lately came up in my mind. I will tell you the power of praying and how it give me effects through life. Maybe you have different thoughts, that’s okay, I respect that.

    I am a Christian but I don’t talk about only Christian people. I talk for all religions. Just FYI I hate fanatic people. Before I became a Christian, I heard a friend of mine saying to another friend that she will go to hell if you are not becoming a Christian. Hmm to be honest, I know she maybe have the experience of having a miracle from being a Christian but that’s not how you say it to people. For me, sharing is enough. Just have respect on each other’s religion.

    Religion are choices.

    Let’s get to the point. I recently have had heard some devastating stories from my friends. I mean, sometimes they took life too hard (while doesn’t think others are harder).

    A story of mine, I have had a tough year last year. I stopped praying when I met my someone (2 years ago). All I know was just having fun. I forgot about God. It is not the first time I am like this. I know I sometimes had the committal issues regarding to praying and reading bible or reading “Word of the Day”. I just stopped. Then last year something happened. It’s a big thing for me that made me want to suicide. Luckily I have a Religion and I started praying again. To be honest, even though I prayed it doesn’t mean that the suicidal thoughts are gone. I was stressed I lost like 7 Kg without dieting.

    For me I talked with my God, Jesus, and the holy spirit surrounds me. I cried almost everyday while praying asking for His forgiveness and asking for a way out. It doesn’t heal in just a day (the suicidal thoughts), but it is good to have a God to talk and lean on especially when you have no one. From there you will start to get positive thoughts, you have something to believe, something good.

    I started to read Word of the Day again and I almost never skipped a day until now.

    Honestly I had ups and downs on religion. When I am happy I forgot about going to Church or praying. I know that really a big mistake. We shouldn’t leave our God because He is suppose to be our first priority. He is the one that made us and can heal our wounds whenever we are down.

    I am writing this for those who are kind of lost, kind of loosing hope, kind of “suicidalish”, those who doesn’t have anyone, try to pray.

    (I’m sorry I am not good at explaining things but I love to share my experiences with you, I hoped that my writings can influence people to a positive side).

    Read my related and very first post here & and a Letter to Jesus here.

  • Life Picturesque

    What's Going on Lately?

    ♠ Italy & Exercise 😜 😝

    I have been away for far too long…So what has been going on to me lately? ❤❤
    First of all I went to Italy last December visiting my stepdad’s family. My grandma had recently been through another cancer surgery and I just wanted to see her you know. It has been around 6 years I haven’t came back. I don’t want them not to think that I didn’t think about them at all, especially to my lovely nonna. The thing is I really can’t speak Italian as much as I wanted to talk to her.


    Took us around 18 hours of flight. I ate quite a lot on the airplane, the food was amazingly good. There has been some turbulence too. It’s funny how I manage my fear of turbulence, I closed my eyes and think that I am riding an FFXIV mount (you see my imagination is wild). We arrived at the 20th of December, it was a very cold wintery morning. We rent a car from Milan and we drove to Mantova for an hour stop to look around then went to Peschiera to stay for the night. The next day we continued our journey to Pesaro. It was a long drive. I think we arrived around 3 p.m. My grandma was having a nap that time.
    I wanted to post about Italian food and a little bit of my trip but not on this post though.


    Anyway, I didn’t do much in Italy, mostly just getting my stomach bulk!! LOL. So I had a depression last 2017 and I lost like 7kg. It’s good for me because I needed to lose those weight, lol. After I lose those weight I figured that I should exercise to keep fit and control my weight, not to get to skinny or too fat, I just want to be fit. I had tried to make a 30 day challenge before but I could not manage to get it all done, everyday is still no good for me. Maybe if I am already used to it I could do 30 days. So instead I will just post my before after picture and the exercises I did in 30 days.


    Why am I so determined to lose a little bit of weight and exercise? I think it was because I was quite bored when I was in Italy, I could not really work there because the table was small and I cannot find the “moment” for my work. LOL. Then I decided to take around 1 hour and half morning walks (usually 3-5km). It all started with my parents asking me to join morning walks. Then they started to get lazy (especially my mom) and I walked on my own, every single day. I think I never skipped even once. I really love the morning breeze. I felt cold at first but I got used to it through time. I am loving these walks!!! I am happy that I feel safe when I walk because there are many people who take walks too in the morning and what made it interesting was, they mostly bring their dogs along. I am so loving this country. When I see dogs, I just want to smile¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    We arrived home at 7th of January and I did not stop the exercise. The difference is I do it in the afternoon and I did running not walking (why I walked in Italy is because I did not bring my sport shoes). I run for 3-4x a week with a little abs exercises. I wished I could do body combat again! But body combat is more fun when I joined classes. The thing is I am not a gym member anymore. I wish I still am but I don’t really like the AC in the gym and I don’t really have real friends to go with there. So it’s just a pity if I join a membership again.
    (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ ✧゚・: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

  • Life Picturesque

    World is Surrounded by Narcissist

    This topic has come up on my mind because I felt like I was a narcissist. Not really sure if I am now but I know that I am a lot better than before. Maybe there is a little of it in every person’s life. First of all what is a narcissist?
    This is an extreme way of defining it.
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    Narcissists victimize those around them just by just being who they are, and they won’t change. That statement may seem extreme, until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a narcissist. Then you realize just how toxic relationships with these individuals can be. – Source Link
    How Narcissists See Themselves
    1. I love myself, and I know you do, too. In fact, everyone does. I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t.
    2. I have no need to apologize. You, however, must understand, accept, and tolerate me no matter what I do or say.
    3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. I am the best _______ (manager, businessman, lover, student, etc.).
    4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me to lead, others would flounder.
    5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but those apply mostly to you, because I don’t have the time or the inclination to abide by them. Besides, rules are for the average person, and I am far above average.
    6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and everything that I have achieved for you — because I am wonderful and faultless.
    7. I do wish we could be equals, but we are not and never will be. I will remind you with unapologetic frequency that I am the smartest person in the room and how well I did in school, in business, as a parent, etc. — and you must be grateful.
    8. I may seem arrogant and haughty, and that’s OK with me; I just don’t want to be seen as being like you.
    9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do. However, don’t expect me to be loyal to you in any way.
    10. I will criticize you, and expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I will come at you with rage. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back one way or another — I am a “wound collector.”
    11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and what I have to say. I, on the other hand, am not at all interested in you or what you have achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or interest from me about your life. I just don’t care.
    12. I am not manipulative; I just like to have things done my way, no matter how much it inconveniences others, or how it makes them feel. I don’t care how others feel — feelings are for the weak.
    13. I expect gratitude at all times, for even the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do as I ask.
    14. I only associate with the best people, and frankly, most of your friends don’t measure up.
    15. If you would just do what I say, things would be better.
    As you can imagine, it is not easy living with or working with someone who thinks or behaves this way. The experience of those who have done so teaches us the following (and if you remember nothing else from this post, remember this): Narcissists overvalue themselves and devalue others, and that means you. You will never be treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will in time be devalued out of necessity, so that they can overvalue themselves.

    I know people who are narcissist. I lived with one in my entire life. She is the one that caused me stress. I almost called myself mentally ill. I almost killed myself because of her, but I have put it to the past and I have moved on.
    This narcissist character though, if it is already build in a character it is hard to change especially people that’s already older.
    This character can be changed through time. For me I search for God and from there I could build a more positive character.
    The narcissist topic leads me to another topic — emotions and social media — private life? I am an expressionist, meaning I love to share my experience, my feelings to something. Most people would pour it out to social media (including me), but is it safe? Is it a have too? Is it good? Will discuss it in my next post! 😉
    ~to be continued

     
     
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    My Other Past

    I had been pending this post for a while. Did not know whether I should post it or not, but I just wanted to share my feelings towards a quite crucial event that happened to me in the past.
    I don’t really know about his past. All I know he had loving parents (my grandparents). I was closer to him yes I did but after 6 months they divorce he never comes up in my life again. I was too young to know about these things. It did not matter to me as much if I did not meet him at all before. It effects me when I have grown older. So when I was 19 I tried to contact him through my cousin from his side. I did not know why I wanted to contact him that time. My cousin gave me his BlackBerry pin. I tried adding him but he declined. I asked my cousin and he said the reason was that my dad was afraid he would be reminded of my mother. What kind of bullshit reason was that. Well I thought maybe my step-mother doesn’t allow him to contact me. I was sad before but now I just don’t really care anymore. I do think about him sometimes, because he is still my biological parent and he is still there in my memories. I just want to know what was all his reasons for doing this to me. Though it doesn’t really affect me at all now.
    Divorce. You can divorce your spouse but you can’t divorce your children. Remember that 🙂
     

  • Life Picturesque

    Tak Sedetikpun


    Kau Bapa yang setia
    Tak pernah sedetik Kau tinggalkan diriku
    Hatiku teguh di dalam janji-Mu
    Sampai ku melihat kuasa-Mu
    Karya-Mu sempurna, ajaib dan mulia
    Penyertaan-Mu buktikan kasih-Mu kepadaku
    Kuagungkan Engkau Yesus termulia
    Kasih-Mu terindah s’lamanya
    Ku tetap berharap di dalam kesesakan
    Ku tetap percaya walau tak melihat
    S’bab ku yakin
    Ronald Pangemanan, Joseph S. Djafar, Michael Panjaitan
    Meaning of this Christian song is Jesus love has the greatest love forever. He never leaves us even when we forgets about Him. I always know He is waiting for me to get back to Him when I’m on the wrong path.

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Have you ever feel "Out of Place"?

    Have you ever experience the feeling when you are in a certain community and you feel that you don’t belong in there? But you forced to be there, forced to not be yourself just because you want to be cool.
    I am a geek. I stayed at home a lot since childhood. 1st because my mom don’t want me to waste money. 2nd, because she often worries me even until now. Since I’m an only child, I use my free time to play games (console and online). I have trouble in socializing, I can’t do a good presentation in front of the class, I did not have confidence on anything. I experienced getting bullied until I asked my mom to go abroad. LOL. It wasn’t a fun experience. I experienced love and rejection too.
    Until I move school in high school, I gained my confidence, I can socialize more and I experienced relationship. I had a relationship with someone who was very insecure. It is still normal if he doesn’t allow me to go with boy friends, but he doesn’t allow me to go with my girl friends also. So I choose love over friends. That was a bad decision. School days should be fun without any burden of restriction of having friends. I hope he’s a changed person now 🙂
    On my second year, me, him and a few of my friends used to play Initial D and Maximum Tune. After I broke up with my ex, I began knowing more friends on this game (mostly guys because it’s a racing game). I forgot how we know each other but I was asked to join their group. Turns out one of them likes me and we had a relationship. I broke up with him though eventually but I still stayed on their group and we stayed as friends too. When it’s time for me to decide for college, I decide to stay in my country because I was afraid I cannot have any friends abroad. Now this was my mistake. I thought I belong here. I thought I couldn’t have cool friends like they are. My group became mature; mature in form as most of us already have our own car. We turn game to a real car club. This was when it began more complicated. I thought car clubs are cool, because I love racing game, racing in reality is…pumping your adrenaline!! During that time I had the guts to speed up, I had fun when my friends are speeding (when I wasn’t driving). Now I just think it was stupid. Our life is much moar important. Now I drive like an old person with a less sight *JK*, I drive normally. I don’t speed anymore. Fact is I am scared of the road now. Too many people aren’t respecting the traffic rules. Another fact, here, too many people aren’t following most rules. LOL.
    Anyway continuing to my story. I finally became more uncomfortable being with them. I had nothing to talk about. What most of them did was just going into clubs and playing poker. Another thing that gets me disappointed was there’s this one person who collects money from us every month so that we could like make an event with that money. The money is gone. WTD, you think it’s easy making money? I was at rage then, and if I think about it now I am at rage now. LOL. I mean, c’mon some people struggle to get money and you just took it. Did you not learn manners at all? After a while they started playing poker, I quit. I quit hanging out with them. Pointless. Just pointless. I am not saying all of them are bad, I’m also saying that I see some of them seemed to change. I remembered some of them are bad mouthing me, trust me I KNOW. Without you telling me, I KNOW. I have a great intuition in all things. Now when I think about it, why the duck I was friends with them. Meheheh. Some of them are good people though. I mean real good.
    The point is. I spent my life trying to fit in with a group I did not fit. I also spent my life thinking about what others might think about me. Now I just don’t ducking care.

    What I did.

    First was of course asking God for help, getting close to Him makes my mind grow to be more positive. This is especially for people who have trait of a loner like me or doesn’t have a lot of friends.
    Second I would search for positive books (or quotes or articles on internet), that’s why I have quite many psychological related books. But you know when you read that kind of books you need to stay realistic 😉
    Third, I tried not to care what others think. It was hard at first because I am a type of person that hates to get bad mouthed.
    Fourth, try to see where I fit in. 
    It takes years to change mindset, but after I am through with it my life is lighter, I am now always too positive towards things. I always thinks everything will turn out good no matter what, if not, then it’s a lesson to learn!
    To be honest, it is easy for me to introduce myself to people now days. I am quite confident on engaging a conversation. BUT! There’s always this gap between me and them. I have a few best friends whom I trust, the others just friends where you say hello when you meet.
     

  • Life Picturesque,  Thoughts for Life

    Disappointment Part II – Try to Change People

    To be honest. I have had too many disappointment in life. I didn’t say that I did not disappoint other people also though, but I am quite sure I have made people disappointed in me too. Me myself is not perfect too I know.
    The previous post about disappointment, I wrote about trying to change. The thing is does “changing” people a good thing? It is a good thing if you change them to a better person. According to my experience though, we cannot totally change people’s character. It’s to the point where you need to accept them for who they are. I know it is hard. It is definitely hard for me.
    My character, I got disappointed easily. During my relationships with someone, I often wanted to change them to be a better person. For me it is normal when you don’t want your boyfriend to get close with another woman, or vice versa because it leads to what you called temptation. Or other things like want them to not be lazy, have a job, 24/7 with you, etc etc, but perfect isn’t for human. One of my bad characteristic is I always feel I lack of attention (towards my partner).

    #1

    He got the looks but he wasn’t good at his economy. My mom probably doesn’t allow me to be with him. So I prayed to God for His guidance. I eventually said yes to him. We both are Christian. Every start of relationship is always great. Fresh. We went to Church every Sunday. It was great for a few months. Then we started to skipped Church, I became lazy to pray. I think it effects my relationships. I start lacking of his attention. I craved and I think it made him feels disturbed? I need to tell him or even begged him for attention. It’s going on and on until a few months. I feel there’s distant between us. I started to get insecure, I demanded him to come to my house more often and so on. I feel what I did made him uncomfortable and he started to mingle with other women. Made me more insecure and unhappy I should have break up, well I did, he begged me to get back with him. I thought, maybe he learned his lesson. But no, he did not, instead I found out that he was flirting with another woman. Why did he not just break up with me, was it because my mom has money or something? Why did he hurt me over and over again. Even on our engagement day he wasn’t looking happy. I don’t understand. I got disappointed every single day. I cannot change him to be better.

    #2

    He wasn’t my first choice, he is 3 years younger than me. What did I expect? He went to my house everyday like he was crazy about me. I actually had the feeling that we wont last long. I accepted him (because I felt he truly loved me). I know very well we did not really match for each other. Lasts for only 4 months. He was in my previous posts before. He was the very worst of my ex. While he was with me he’s still close with his ex. While he was with me he was flirting with another woman. Why do I always made the wrong choice? I think before accepting anyone I should think about it more. I should know his background.

    #3

    Kept doing the same mistake. I trust people so easily that I got disappointed all the time. I thought he was the one, but he wasn’t. With him it was like a fairy tale. He often said good things to me. Good visions for the future, but on the present time the future visions wouldn’t be accomplished if he has that kind of characteristics. We both weren’t ready for serious commitments. It was all about love, but love always isn’t enough.
    Lesson learned. We can’t change a person characteristics, a little maybe can. We can make them to be better but we can’t change them to have a different character. We need to accept them and if you can’t accept them don’t be with them or get married with them.
     

  • Life Picturesque

    A Letter to Jesus

    Before blogging this, I really wanted to complain about things going on today in my until I turn on YouTube to Church songs. I feel like I wanted to pour out about my feelings recently. I cannot claim myself as a Christian fanatic because I never force anyone to really move their religion to mine; even though I wanted them to believe in Jesus Christ. Just a heads up if I blog about Christianity it is because I wanted to share my experience and my struggles also on how God helped me through it.
    Dear Jesus,
    I have been a Christian for about 8 years now. I have been going in and out of Church. I have not been diligent going to Church. I have been forgetting to commit to go to Church, to pray, to not forget about You. All I know is that You are always waiting for me to come back. 
    I see now. All of these problems I am facing is for me to go back to You. For me to be saved again and again. I know when I am happy I tend to forget about You. I did not ask or depend on You; I depend on my own power. You weren’t my priority…until now I realized that all I need is You Jesus.

    Your Child,
    Alyssa Milano
    (yes this is my real name–not the actress though!)

    I was afraid to commit because I always on and off about religion, but recently I have committed to read the Daily Bread, I committed to pray every single day…I know it took a long time to really understands how to love and how to make Jesus priority because Earth things comes first (either it is family or lover or even money). Then today I watched a sermon (streaming) by Pdt. Josia Abdisaputera and it gives me an image of how to make Him priority. I will write it on my next blog under The Journey of a Disciple category (the name is taken by my Church topic).

    Christ is Enough – Hillsong


    VERSE
    Christ is my reward
    And all of my devotion
    Now there’s nothing in this world
    That could ever satisfy

    PRE-CHORUS
    Through every trial
    My soul will sing
    No turning back
    I’ve been set free

    CHORUS
    Christ is enough for me
    Christ is enough for me

    Everything I need is in You
    Everything I need

    VERSE
    Christ my all in all
    The joy of my salvation
    And this hope will never fail
    Heaven is our home
    PRE-CHORUS
    Through every storm
    My soul will sing
    Jesus is here
    To God be the glory

    BRIDGE
    I have decided to follow Jesus
    No turning back
    No turning back

    The cross before me
    The world behind me

    No turning back
    No turning back
    Lyric Source
     

  • Life Picturesque

    Da Perfectionist

    Has been a while and I am lacking updates for my blog website. The truth is I have been busy fixing my graphic design website (mylanodezain.com). I am quite a perfectionist for some things, for example if I am not satisfied with one thing it would bug me for life until it is solved. I haven’t finish renovating my website though. Would need some more time to finish it because I changed all of the design (third time already). So it is like I build a new website and finally I have come to satisfaction of the design (just need finishing now).
    I have some blog ideas in mind that I haven’t write and post yet but I will soon hopefully!