Have you ever experience the feeling when you are in a certain community and you feel that you don’t belong in there? But you forced to be there, forced to not be yourself just because you want to be cool.
I am a geek. I stayed at home a lot since childhood. 1st because my mom don’t want me to waste money. 2nd, because she often worries me even until now. Since I’m an only child, I use my free time to play games (console and online). I have trouble in socializing, I can’t do a good presentation in front of the class, I did not have confidence on anything. I experienced getting bullied until I asked my mom to go abroad. LOL. It wasn’t a fun experience. I experienced love and rejection too.
Until I move school in high school, I gained my confidence, I can socialize more and I experienced relationship. I had a relationship with someone who was very insecure. It is still normal if he doesn’t allow me to go with boy friends, but he doesn’t allow me to go with my girl friends also. So I choose love over friends. That was a bad decision. School days should be fun without any burden of restriction of having friends. I hope he’s a changed person now 🙂
On my second year, me, him and a few of my friends used to play Initial D and Maximum Tune. After I broke up with my ex, I began knowing more friends on this game (mostly guys because it’s a racing game). I forgot how we know each other but I was asked to join their group. Turns out one of them likes me and we had a relationship. I broke up with him though eventually but I still stayed on their group and we stayed as friends too. When it’s time for me to decide for college, I decide to stay in my country because I was afraid I cannot have any friends abroad. Now this was my mistake. I thought I belong here. I thought I couldn’t have cool friends like they are. My group became mature; mature in form as most of us already have our own car. We turn game to a real car club. This was when it began more complicated. I thought car clubs are cool, because I love racing game, racing in reality is…pumping your adrenaline!! During that time I had the guts to speed up, I had fun when my friends are speeding (when I wasn’t driving). Now I just think it was stupid. Our life is much moar important. Now I drive like an old person with a less sight *JK*, I drive normally. I don’t speed anymore. Fact is I am scared of the road now. Too many people aren’t respecting the traffic rules. Another fact, here, too many people aren’t following most rules. LOL.
Anyway continuing to my story. I finally became more uncomfortable being with them. I had nothing to talk about. What most of them did was just going into clubs and playing poker. Another thing that gets me disappointed was there’s this one person who collects money from us every month so that we could like make an event with that money. The money is gone. WTD, you think it’s easy making money? I was at rage then, and if I think about it now I am at rage now. LOL. I mean, c’mon some people struggle to get money and you just took it. Did you not learn manners at all? After a while they started playing poker, I quit. I quit hanging out with them. Pointless. Just pointless. I am not saying all of them are bad, I’m also saying that I see some of them seemed to change. I remembered some of them are bad mouthing me, trust me I KNOW. Without you telling me, I KNOW. I have a great intuition in all things. Now when I think about it, why the duck I was friends with them. Meheheh. Some of them are good people though. I mean real good.
The point is. I spent my life trying to fit in with a group I did not fit. I also spent my life thinking about what others might think about me. Now I just don’t ducking care.
What I did.
First was of course asking God for help, getting close to Him makes my mind grow to be more positive. This is especially for people who have trait of a loner like me or doesn’t have a lot of friends.
Second I would search for positive books (or quotes or articles on internet), that’s why I have quite many psychological related books. But you know when you read that kind of books you need to stay realistic 😉
Third, I tried not to care what others think. It was hard at first because I am a type of person that hates to get bad mouthed.
Fourth, try to see where I fit in.
It takes years to change mindset, but after I am through with it my life is lighter, I am now always too positive towards things. I always thinks everything will turn out good no matter what, if not, then it’s a lesson to learn!
To be honest, it is easy for me to introduce myself to people now days. I am quite confident on engaging a conversation. BUT! There’s always this gap between me and them. I have a few best friends whom I trust, the others just friends where you say hello when you meet.